When you are thinking of taking a break from your hectic schedule you can look out for holidays that allow you to do more outdoor adventures and activities. Being out in the open surrounded by nature provides you with an opportunity to disconnect from the modern world. If you are in the UK, luxury walking…
“People can change and be happy from this moment onward . . . the problem is not one of ability, but of courage.” —from the book The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
“As long as one keeps searching, the answers come.” American folk singer Joan Baez certainly narrows down succinctly and accurately the practice of finding our way; however, along the way toward the revelation of the answers, we must be courageous enough to feel uncomfortable for portions of the journey as well as capable of homing in on the gems of wisdom and letting go of needing to be agile when trying something new in our lives.
The answers come to those who accept moments of clumsiness, frequent stumbles, nights and days of ambiquity and confusion because embracing anything new, trying anything new which speaks to what we are seeking and trying to understanding will require a beginner’s mind. Learning to walk required of each of us even though we don’t remember (but I truly think it would help if we could) numerous stumbles, falls forward and backward, sometimes temporarily causing pain to our face, knees and bottoms. But we don’t remember this because we needed to learn how to walk to participate fully in the life we had no clue awaited us.
Keep such an analogy in mind as you choose to continue to search for your answers. I too have to remind myself of the toddler parallel, and as I grow older and hopefully not only in age, but in wisdom, I become more and more grateful for each challenge. One of the most valuable development skills the book argues a parent can teach their child is how to overcome challenges, and that can only happen by letting them navigate through tasks which appear difficult to them, but easy for us – tying shoes for example. While appearing easy to the adult, the child must start with such challenges in order to be confident enough to navigate through more difficult challenges as their life unfolds.
Again another axiom comes to mind, “Life doesn’t get easier, we just become better equipped to handle well the challenges when presented.” However, the caveat is we must keep stepping through the challenges and not settling and unconsciously ignoring them. Life will always present dilemmas, quandaries and moments of difficulty; it is our choice to try to understand how to navigate through such situations. We are the director of our lives, and it is up to us to direct ourselves to the wisdom necessary, learn said wisdom and apply it.
Today, I am excited to share with you a handful of insights the book The Courage to Be Disliked taught me (there are soooooo many more – I highly recommend reading the book). On the surface, each is easy to comprehend, but the first time we put the practice into use, it may be difficult. With time and consistent effort however, the practice will become habituated and before we realize it, our lives, our everyday lives and the longview of our lives, will change for the better. Let’s take a look at the list.
1.Let go of competing with the world
Seeking to be superior in comparison with other people is a denial of our own journey and our true selves. As I will share in #5 below, we each have a unique something to contribute positively to the larger world, but when we consume ourselves with ‘proving’ ourselves in competition of any sort, we step away from self-growth and discovery of our unique talents and gifts. The only healthy form of competition “comes from one’s comparison with one’s ideal self”. Refrain from ‘gaining status or honor’, in other words, approval from the outside world. Instead, invest in being yourself. Invest in self-growth and discovery and let go of competition – anything preoccupied with winning and losing as “it will invitably get in the way”.
2. The meaning we give the events in our life journey determines its quality
“We determine our own lives according to the meaning we give to those past experiences. Your life is not something that someone gives you, but something you choose yourself, and you are the one who decides how you live.”
The life truth I have seen again and again and more vividly as I grasped its true meaning is if we argue enough for our limitations, we get to keep them and they become our reality. Not because the limitations are truth, but because we made them true by accepting them.
3. Know your tasks and let others tend to theirs
Described as Separation of Tasks, knowing what is our individual responsibility and what are the responsibilities of others not only will alleviate and remove much stress and worry, it will also improve our interpersonal relationships. In The Courage to Be Disliked, they use the example of a romantic partnership:
“You believe in your partner; that is your task. But how that person acts with regard to your expectations and trust is other people’s tasks . . . intervening in other people’s tasks and taking on other people’s tasks turns one’s life into something heavy and full of hardship.”
In other words, knowing the boundaries of what is your task and what is the task of others will eliminate unnecessary worry and suffering, and it will also make life, as the book describes, far more simple and enjoyable to live.
4. Let go of the outcome
The Alderian psychology way is to not cure the symptoms regarding when one exhibits a lack of self-confidence – what happened in the past, not dwelling on what brought you to this point – but rather accept yourself as you are now and find the courage to step forward letting go of the outcome which is what causes the fear. We are fearful because we don’t know how it will all work out.
5. Find what you can positively contribute to the greater world and the need to be ‘accepted’ or ‘liked’ subsides
“If you change your lifestyle—the way of giving meaning to the world and yourself—then both your way of interacting with the world and your behavior will have to change as well. Do not forget this point: One will have to change. You, just as you are, have to choose your lifestyle. It might seem hard, but it is really quite simple.”
“A way of living in which one is constantly troubled by how one is seen by others is a self-centered lifestyle in which one’s sole concern is with the ‘I’.” The paradoxical truth reveals the freedom we can each attain when we let go of worrying about others liking us and instead focus on how to contribute well to the world. True contentment is found not by applause and approval from the outside world, but when we begin to look within and discover what we can uniquely give to the world which is a positive contribution. A positive contribution can be as simple as being a civil citizen of the world – obliging the city ordinance to shovel your sidewalk when it snows or stopping for pedestrians to cross the road. More grandly, it could be to dedicate your expertise and knowledge to develop a vaccine to curb the rise of a deadly virus.
All along the spectrum, each of us hold gifts in which we can contribute positively to the community outside of us which leads us away from being solely concerned with the “I”.
6. Reflect on your comments and/or judgments of others to discover your own truth
“An adult, who has chosen an unfree way to live [i.e. living for the approval of the outside world], on seeing a young person [or any person for that matter] living freely here and now in this moment, criticizes the young as being hedonistic. Of course, this is a life-lie that comes out so that the adult can accept his own unfree life. An adult who has chosen real freedom himself will not make such comments and will instead cheer on the will to be free.”
A quick refresher, if we are judging, we are taking on someone else’s task, so to begin with, let go of the judging; however, for the sake of this lesson which the book includes to further the need to separate tasks, I find it helpful to remind us when others’ words or opinions sting or wound us, what they are sharing has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with their life journey.
I recently had a neighbor make a snide and negative comment about my enthusiasm over the growth of my lettuce. Instinctively, it hurt my feelings, but then I realized, their inability to be able to celebrate with someone else in their joy reflected their own pain in their life at the moment in which life wasn’t going so well and feels out of their control to solve it.
When we tend to our tasks and let go of others, we set ourselves free in more ways than we can initially imagine possible. As we continue to put the practice of separation of tasks into our lives, we eliminate so many instances of pain and hurt we will never have to know, and that is part of living truly free.
7. Don’t be afraid of being disliked
“I am not telling you to go so far as to live in such a way that you will be disliked, and I am not saying engage in wrongdoing. Please do not misunderstand . . . One just separates tasks. There may be a person who does not think well of you, but that is not your task . . . one moves forward without fearing the possibility of being disliked . . . before being concerned with what others think of me, I want to follow through with my own being. That is to say, I want to live in freedom.”
While it takes more than a couple of chapters for the separation of tasks to be fully explained in terms the young man understand, ultimately, being able to separate properly leads to the ability to let go of what others think of us, leading us to be free to be our true selves.
Again, being free does not mean causing others pain or directly doing something to be disliked – such choices would not be tapping into what you can uniquely give to the world to contribute positively.
The hard work, the courageous work, is to fully explore your own inner being, become resistant to those who try to pull you back to following what the masses and crowds are doing and instead continue to unearth the gifts you have always had within you. The world needs you to find those gifts even though you and the world may not know exactly what you will find, but so long as it contributes positively to society, you must keep searching.
Some readers may challenge the definition of ‘positive’ as it is a subjective term, an abstract concept. True, however, I take the perspective that we desire to live in a world that honors humanity, celebrates kindness and wishes to uphold a civil society. When we acknowledge what is possible through understanding of the mind through the social sciences of sociology and psychology as well as neurology, we discover amazing truths about the motivations of human beings. All of this is to say, it takes time and intentional living to learn and apply, explore and observe, and then to be courageous in its application in our individual lives because our only task is to journey within and let others do the same. We must let go of the outside world and take responsibility for what our unique contribution can be in not only our larger life journey but in our everyday lives.
Reading and then understanding the contents of The Courage to Be Disliked requires close reading and rereading. Philosophy, literally composed of the words love “phil” and wisdom “soph” means to love wisdom, and a deep understanding of wisdom requires more than concrete surface simplicities. Any philosophical reading requires we go deeper, not only in the reading itself, but into our own mind. Growth is hard and it can be uncomfortable temporarily as we stretch ourselves, but the more we grow, the more we regularly stretch ourselves, our reach, in other words our understanding deepens as well and our ability to apply what we have learned to our lives more likely to stick and change our lives moving forward.
~Learn more about the book which inspired today’s episode – The Courage to be Disliked
~Learn more about becoming a TSLL TOP Tier Subscriber for exclusive content and unlimited access.
SIMILAR POST/EPISODES YOU MIGHT ENJOY:
How Fear Can Be an Opportunity for Amazing Life Changes
~As shared during today’s episode:
Petit Plaisir
https://youtu.be/zeAWYwdUcNc
~Sponsor for today’s episode:
~The Simple Sophisticate, episode #301
~Subscribe to The Simple Sophisticate: iTunes | Stitcher | iHeartRadio | YouTube | Spotify
Over the weekend I quietly celebrated my 42nd birthday. It was lovely. It was full of much contemplation. It included delicious food and wine and the last day of the year brought the sunshine which found me out in my garden preparing for spring.
Over the past 12 months all of our lives experienced unexpected moments, ahas, wonderings, fears, break-throughs and endless other unplanned daily routine shifts and lifestyle adjustments.
Perhaps some of the lessons I share today won’t come as a surprise to you if you follow TSLL blog and podcast and for every lesson I share, if there is a post or episode which explores the idea further, I will be sure to link it for further reader. All in all, much has been learned, much unexpected, and much I am incredibly thankful presented itself and equally am I thankful I chose to try to understand why it said hello in my life.
1.Fresh flowers in the home immediately boost the peace and comfort in the daily routine
~12 Simple Ideas for Beautiful Flowers in the Home
2. Beneficial reassurance can only come from within
3. Gardening is a way of life which elevates life
Why Not . . . Try Gardening? Part Une – 10 Whole Life Benefits
4. Quality investments made before they are necessary allow for a life of more ease and a stronger foundation when times become rough
5. Reading is one of the best ways to spend time in lockdown: growth never ceases.
6. Quality lamps provide more comfort, better ambiance and a true sense of welcome and warmth.
7. Thinking well is a choice.
8. Thinking well enables you to live well.
9. Quality chocolate and quality butter create a delectable, satiating dessert.
10. Match strikers – style mets function
The Decor Detail You Didn’t Know You Needed: The Match Striker
11. Mental strength is fundamental for a life of true contentment
10 Ways to Cultivate a Mental Diet that Elevates the Quality of Your Life
12. Shedding the layers of ‘should’s from the outside world, identifying them and liberating yourself will simplify your life choices and fundamentally change your life journey for the better.
Unbecoming Who You Are Not in order to Remember Who You Are
13. Slowing down as a regular way of life is a better way to live
14. Creating a cosy home, creating a welcoming home is my driving focus.
~34 Ideas for Adding Cosy to Your Everyday
15. Moments of temporary discomfort along the journey as you intentionally change your life are a sign of your old life wanting to draw you back to what it ‘knows’. This is normal, and it will gradually subside. Strive forward toward your new way of life. Life will reward you with deeper contentment.
16. Trust yourself when it comes to your décor. Have patience, seek out expertise and then proceed confidently without seeking approval from the masses. Style over trends.
17. I love crêpes
~Brown-Butter-Lemon-Sugar Crêpe~
~Buckwheat Crêpes (Galettes) with Prosciutto, Gruyére & Egg~
18. A good cuppa is an everyday necessity
19. Tending to our tasks only and letting go of tending to others is to set yourself free.
The Courage to Live Fully & Deeply: 7 Ideas to Put into Practice for a Life of True Contentment
20. Being present, engaging with the world as it presents itself to you creates amazing magic.
21. Trust your intuition and be motivated to follow your hopes, not remain where you are because of fear.
~read How Fear Can Be an Opportunity for Amazing Life Changes
Each birthday is the celebration of the year and lessons and gifts from the past, and it is also a gift to have another year commence full of auspicious possibility. Thank you for all of the birthday wishes shared in the comment section on Friday’s This & That post. And may your birthday, wherever it falls on the calendar be as bright and as hope-filled as you dare to allow it. 🙂
SIMILAR POSTS FROM THE ARCHIVES:
15 Life Lessons Learned during my First Year into my 40s, episode #279
Let the 40s Begin! (and 3 Valuable Life Lessons Realized in my 30s)
15 Lessons I Am Carrying into My 39th Year
Petit Plaisir
~read a review by The New York Times
~learn more about the writer of the adapted screenplay of The Dig – Moira Buiffini.
https://youtu.be/JZQz0rkNajo
I’m actually not that sad that we’re celebrating Valentine’s Day during a pandemic since it means everyone can celebrate comfortably at home. It’s especially nice to stay cozy due to the Polar Vortex temperatures and snow in much of the country. Here are some things to keep you entertained and occupied for the long bank holiday weekend too.
I was lucky to receive beautiful pink roses from the Flower Box for Valentine’s Day this week. I’ve know of this company since they were founded by Whitney Bromberg Hawkings, a former VP of Communications at Tom Ford in London but it was nice to experience them in person. They arrived beautifully packaged with a note, a guide to keeping all their different flowers fresh, and a flower food packet. The box and paper wrapping were recyclable too unlike the cellophane in which flowers usually arrive. I just ordered 50 tulips from Flower Box for a friend’s upcoming birthday and the total cost was $119.76 with free delivery. You would usually only get a very small bouquet for that price in New York. They deliver in Manhattan, Los Angeles, and the Hamptons in the United States, and many areas of the UK, France, and Europe. This is not sponsored either. I’m just very particular about my flowers and wanted to share this new source with you since they represent my personal ethos of “simple, elegant, impeccable.”
I originally started watching Miss Scarlett and the Duke because it was on PBS before All Creatures Great and Small. I am sorry to say that I gave up on All Creatures Great and Small since every storyline was painfully cliché but I absolutely fell in love with Miss Scarlett and the Duke. This intelligent and original show aired in the UK last year and follows “the headstrong, first-ever female detective in Victorian London, who won’t let any naysayers stop her from keeping her father’s business running.” Kate Phillips from Peaky Blinders stars in the six-part mystery series while Stuart Martin from Jamestown and Medici, “plays her childhood friend, professional colleague, and potential love interest, Scotland Yard Detective Inspector William Wellington, a.k.a., The Duke.” Creator Rachel New said she was inspired by Jane Austen, Moonlighting, and Scarlet O’Hara and it has the perfect “will they or won’t they” banter and flirtation but the actors bring it to life even more with their intonations and subtle looks. I can’t say enough good things about this show. I donate to PBS so I was able to watch the entire series online and you can get caught up on past episodes before episode four airs on Sunday night at 8:00pm. Miss Scarlett and the Duke has already been picked up for a second season but filming has been delayed due of Covid.
I haven’t watched it yet but another show, Seaside Hotel, just premiered on PBS and follows guests and staff at a beach hotel on the North Sea. It’s in Danish with English subtitles and I find it easier to follow up with foreign shows and movies on my laptop. It airs Saturday nights or you can watch online. You can also add PBS to your Apple TV. Also just airing is The Long Song, a series based on Andrea Levy’s award-winning novel about the end of slavery in Jamaica. It airs at 10:00pm Sunday night or can also be watched online.
One of the reasons I really didn’t love Bridgerton was because it debuted on Christmas Day but it was definitely not family friendly. If you want something you can enjoy with family members of all ages, I suggest To All the Boys: P.S. I Still Love You on Netflix which is the third installment in the series.
I went to The Metropolitan Museum of Art on Thursday for the member’s preview of Goya’s Graphic Imagination. Upon arrival, I was disappointed to find it they had closed it early due to crowds so I cannot speak to the exhibition but it’s something new to see. Since I couldn’t view it, I wandered about the American and European Galleries which you can see in my saved Highlights. Keep in mind that the museum is closed on Tuesdays and Wednesdays now.
I’m not sure how many people are aware that the Frick Collection is closed for the next few years for renovations. I am so grateful that I stopped by for one last visit before they closed due to Covid last March. This March, we’ll be able to see their treasures in their new temporary home in the Marcel Breuer designed former home of the Whitney Museum on Madison Avenue. I can’t wait to attend the member preview to see how they display the art and furniture in the Brutalist building.
I wrote about Work to Ride many years ago. It’s a non-profit community-based prevention program in Philadelphia founded in 1994 that aids disadvantaged urban youth though constructive activities centered on horsemanship, equine sports and education. One of their former riders, Kareem Rosser, has just published a book about his experience and life, Crossing the Line: A Fearless Team of Brothers and the Sport That Changed Their Lives Forever. It would be a great gift for the equestrian or spoiled tennager in your life.
Because it’s President’s Day holiday weekend, that means there are great sales online.
J.Crew – 30% off with the code SPRING
Nordstrom – Up to 50% off. My favorite winter boots are on sale too.
Ann Taylor – 40% off full price styles with code WEARNOW
Club Monaco – Extra 50% off all sale styles with code YESPLEASE
Banana Republic – 40% off purchase (exclusions apply)
Mango – Extra 15% off everything with code VALENT14
Wayfair – Up to 70% off during President’s Day Clearance
Happy Valentine’s Day!
XOXO,
HC
While many of you are losing your minds on trashy Bridgerton, I’ve moved on to Lupin on Netflix. Lupin is a very original take on the famous French literary character Arsène Lupin starring Omar Sy as the charming Assane Diop who sets out to avenge his father for an injustice that happened 25 years earlier while using the Lupin book as his inspiration.
“Created by the French writer Maurice Leblanc in 1905, Arsène Lupin is an elite member of the gang of delightful rogues known as gentleman thieves. Like Thomas Crown, Danny Ocean, Simon Templar and (to include a gentlewoman) Selina Kyle, Lupin is elegant and efficient. He prefers disguise and persuasion to violence and is so dashing that his victims almost thank him for the honor of being robbed.”
Lupin is one of the most intelligent, exciting, and intriguing shows on television right now. I especially love how it seamlessly switches between the present day and flashbacks. There are five episodes available to binge now with five more in post-production that should air in three to six months. Since we can’t travel now, I love seeing Paris as another main character of Lupin which starts with the Louvre and winds its way through the City of Light.
I was most excited to see my favorite house museum used as the home of the character Hubert Pellegrini. I immediately recognized the cour d’honneur of the Musée de Nissim de Camondo as soon as it appeared on screen. I’ve written about it before and these photos are from my 2013 trip.
The Musée de Nissim de Camondo is located on rue Monceau in front of the Parc Monceau in the 8th arrondissement. It was the location of the Camondo family home but when Moïse de Camondo started collecting 18th-century furniture and objects, he commissioned architect Rene Sergent in 1911 to create a place to house his collection which was inspired by the Petit Trianon at Versailles.
It was completed in 1914 but sadly his son Nissim de Camondo was killed in action in World War I in 1917. Moïse de Camondo was devastated which later prompted him in 1924 to bequeath the mansion and its contents to the French state with the stipulation that it must shown to the public and forbid the lending of works or moving them anywhere other than the room where they reside as a memorial to his son.
The preservation of the home makes it a bit of a time capsule and while the public areas are devoted to the late 18th-century, the kitchens and bathrooms were incredibly modern for when the home was completed and they are some of the most popular rooms on the tour. The Musée de Nissim de Camondo was opened to the public in 1936 and is run by Les Arts Decoratifs. It is also available to visit on Sundays which is a rarity in Paris although it’s currently closed due to Covid.
This is the scene in Lupin when the Musée de Nissim de Camondo appears on screen in a rainy flashback scene at the home of character Hubert Pellegrini with Assane Diop’s father as chauffeur of the Bentley.
This old floorplan shows how the back of the house was designed to take advantage of the view of the Parc Monceau.
The saddest part of the story is that Moïse’s daughter Beatrice de Camondo, her ex-husband Léon Reinach, and their two children were forcibly removed from Paris in 1943 and taken to the Drancy deportation camp north of the city. They were subsequently deported to Auschwitz concentration camp, where they all died.
The areas behind left side of the courtyard would have housed stable and grooming room.
Another photo from Lupin.
The trelliswork above the horse grooming room was designed by landscape designer Archille Duchêne and installed in 1919. It was raised in height in 1929.
The area to the right of the courtyard would have housed the tack room and garage which has been renovated and turned into Le Camondo restaurant.
This is the view from the house to the entrance from the street.
When we see the Bentley driving into the courtyard in Lupin.
The main entrance would have been in the center of the facade but to enter the Musée de Nissim de Camondo, you enter in a door on the left which leads into the guest cloakroom which is where you buy your ticket.
If you look closely, you can see a display stand inside the Musée de Nissim de Camondo in this scene in Lupin. The interior scenes were filmed either at another mansion or on a sound stage. The interiors of the museum are too full of valuable and fragile itmes to allow any movie or television show to film inside.
A view of the entrance hall and main staircase.
In this scene in Lupin, you can see that the a display stand and a rope from the Musée de Nissim de Camondo as the character Hubert Pellegrini leaves the house for a news conference.
Normally, a guard sits in front of what was the main entrance of the house.
I love the color and patina on the doors in the guest cloakroom which is now where you buy your entrance ticket.
The elevator.
This hallway leads to the kitchen, servant’s dining room, pantry, cold room, scullery, butler’s office, and chef’s office which were renovated in 2003 and are all open to the public. The family entertaining rooms are upstairs.
I didn’t post pictures from the 18th-century rooms so I’ll have to see if I can find them in my old external hard drives.
The best part of the museum is that you can look out the windows upstairs to see the garden designed French landscape designer by Archille Duchêne. He was very in demand among high French society at the turn of the twentieth century.
In a flashback scene in Lupin, Detective Dumont visits Hubert Pellegrini and again, you can see a security rope in the Musée de Nissim de Camondo. The museum usually allows events in the garden but it’s amazing that they let the actors walk out from inside the house.
The back garden view of the house.
Another scene from Lupin.
I’ve visited the Musée de Nissim de Camondo in all weather but it’s especially beautiful in the sunshine. I suspect there was an entrance to the Parc Monceau from the garden but I can’t find any reference of one. If not, you would have had to walk around the block to enter the park.
Another view from Lupin.
Sculptures in the original landscape design plan were never installed in the garden.
In this scene from Lupin, you can see posters from the adjacent Musée Cernuschi on the back wall.
The history of the Camondo family is very sad especially considering that no members survived the wars but their legacy lives on in the beautiful museum and now on screen in Lupin. Definitely watch it tonight and I promise you won’t be disappointed and visit the Musée de Nissim de Camondo when it reopens. I know it will at the top of my list when I’m allowed to travel to Paris again.
Photos by Heather Clawson in 2013 for Habitually Chic.
“The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.” —Hans Hofmann
Simplifying.
Far different from minimizing, simplifying requires that we consciously explore what is of value in our lives and then thoughtfully edit in order for what we deem most important to shine as fully as possible.
Take for example sight. Eyesight that is. As someone who wears contacts in order to see clearly objects in far distances, when I put on a dirty lens or my lens happens to have an eyelash or spot of makeup on it, not only does it hurt, but frustratingly my eyesight is impaired. My #1 priority is to clean the lens properly in order to see. Why? Understandably, so that I can clearly, safely, peacefully, go about my day without having to actually think about the gift that is 20/20 eyesight.
Such a truth comes into play with our everyday routines, homes, and overall lifestyles. If we don’t clear the clutter – literal and figurative – the quality of our lives decreases. What we love, what we value cannot grow, shine, fully blossom. Whatever the analogy is, the full growth, the full maturation, can’t possibly be experienced.
Multitasking our lives not only when it comes to the tasks we do each day, has become an approach to living in the 21st century (and was as well in the late 20th century) which was applauded. In many ways 2020 has forced us to recognize how much we missed in doing so – we missed our relationships, we missed simple pleasures, we missed the gift of appreciating well-made, seasonal food, we missed the gift of truly connecting. Now that so much of what we thought we valued but did not prioritized has been forcibly taken out of our lives, are we questioning whether we lived in accordance to what we swore was true to living well.
Let’s talk about clutter. What is defined as clutter for you may be different from what someone else may define or label as clutter. My kitchen for example has many tools handy, surrounding my stovetop – canisters, pots hanging, salt and spices within arms-length. For someone else, such a sight may be exhausting to the eye and look terribly cluttered when viewing my kitchen. Organizing my kitchen in such a way makes my cooking fluid, more enjoyable and simple, but that may not be the case for someone else.
More figuratively speaking, how much time with our own and only company we need will depend upon not only our temperaments but as well where we are along our life’s journey. There are times in my life where I have needed far more time alone than others, and I am thankful I finally was able to find it as I needed to figure certain things out, things that I didn’t even know I needed to sort through. However, once we learn the direction we want to travel, the skills we want to improve or learn, we may reduce the time alone, but I would argue, as you will see in the list today, we will always need regular alone time or as it is often described – solitude.
Since the inception of TSLL blog, simplicity has been a fundamental component of living simply luxuriously. In order to choose well, in order to invest wisely, we first need to know what is of value to each of us, and the only way to do that is to simplify our lives. (View a list of posts focused on simplifying here and here and be sure to check out TSLL’s 1st and 2nd book which have specific sections focused on simplifying in a variety of areas of your life.)
Upon recently rereading Carl Phillips’ book 22 Ways to Simpler Living and a couple of other books which help me to assess how simplified I have kept my life or where I need to check-in and adjust or make improvements, I was inspired to make a list to serve as a refresher. I have a feeling each reader/listener stopping by today’s post has simplified their lives in some way at some point if not multiple times throughout their lives, so today’s post is a check-in so to speak. An opportunity to ensure we are each truly living a simple life for ourselves so we can then live truly simply luxuriously and find true contentment in our everydays. Let’s take a look at the list.
~Tune in to the audio version for more conversation about each of the following points shared below.
1.Leave space in your day
Less work time, yet more efficient and productive work time leads to more fulfillment in your lifetime.
2. Absorb the truth that less is often more
3. Limit the time you spend in or with your inbox
4. Have a courageous conversation about the truth behind the statement “I don’t have time.” aka “I’m too busy.”
Instead of leading others to believe you want to say ‘yes’ when it is clear another priority supersedes the opportunity presented, let them get to know you and if you don’t like this prioritizing of your life, have an honest conversation with yourself and make the necessary changes.
5. Understand what ‘self-full’ is and refrain from seeing honoring your journey as ‘selfish’ because it is not.
6. Stop trying to keep up with life and start living your one and only life
7. Be honest about what you allow into your life as a distraction from living fully
(which includes being vulnerable, be truly loving toward yourself and others, being truly content in your everydays, feeling an undercurrent of calm in your life which keeps you grounded and at peace with life’s unknowns which reduces the worry)
8. Live a life that doesn’t exhaust you, rather a life that energizes you
9. Give permission to yourself for your hobbies and passions to be priorities
It is within your hobbies and passions that we are honoring our gifts and fueling our spirit so that we might share our unique gifts with the world – either directly as we emanate joy affecting those we love or the larger world.
10. Keep good health of body and mind
11. Stop the hurry
If you find yourself hurrying, access and edit. Carl Phillips suggests asking yourself these two questions: (1) Is what I am ‘hurrying about for’ important to me (or the approval of someone/something else)? (2) Is the hurrying getting me closer to my goals?
12. Check your email less frequently, but more regularly
Set boundaries on your attention and time. You will reduce worry, you will communicate clearly and set expectations which do not overwhelm your life and increase your stress. In many ways you will reduce not only the stress in your life, but the stress of those trying to communicate with you as there will be clear expectations of when they will hear from you.
13. Book-end your days with walks
Long or short, go outside, take in the fresh air as it will clear your mind, help in ways you may not expect, even if you think it cannot as it brings you to the present. One foot in front of the other, just walk. Walk to work it out and calm your mind.
14. Find time to meditate daily
Sometimes meditation and praying are mentioned as alternatives to each other; however, I would argue they do separate things as they are two separate actions. Meditation is an observance of our thoughts, a stepping away from our thoughts (not stopping thinking) and letting them be without our engagement with them. Praying, based on the religious practice (should you practice one religious ideology and it is absolutely okay not to), will be unique to what you believe and is often a conversation with the higher entity. Meditation is not a conversation, but an observation. A practice of exercising the mind so that we are the master of it, not the other way around. A way to calm down, a way to let go, a way to find peace and get out of our own way.
15. Play regularly
For me, gardening has become my favorite act of play during nine months of the year (and in the winter months when I am sowing seeds in my potting area indoors). Diving into a creative project or playing with my dogs – fetch or chase or anything that brings a bounce to their steps.
16. Rest and be still
Active rest or deliberate rest as shared in detail in episode #139 is similar to #15 – playing, thus letting the mind go and not constricting or limiting where it want to go. Literal rest – a nap, not having plans and just being, taking a getaway where you aren’t a tourist, but rather a traveler or lounger is a must.
17. Teach others how to treat you by modeling
When you respect your time by protecting your time without apology regarding when you are available and don’t bend like Gumby to work with their schedule, you are modeling. It is when you do say yes that those who observe your practice will understand you value them, and they are more likely to respect showing up as planned.
18. Understand what tension is and when it is helpful and when it is hurtful
19. Turn away from the outside regularly to gain grounding
20. Savor regular small pleasures, aka Petit Plaisirs
Explore a four-part series full of more than 100 Petit Plaisir – begin with part one here.
21. Donate all the extra and unnecessary tools – exercise, cooking, technology
If you know the true mechanisms of good cooking, effective and life-long lasting fitness and how a tech device works best, fewer, not more tools and devices are necessary. Learn and eliminate.
22. Reduce your overhead
What does it cost to run your life? Whether in business or in your personal life, what is needed for a life of contentment? Most likely, to return us to #1, less is needed for a more fulfilling life. The few things you need simply need to be quality – both in make and design as well as thoughtful selection to fit well with what you know about yourself.
Go through your bills, subscriptions, regular payments. Exam how you actually use (or if you use) what you pay for. When you reduce the overhead, you clear space which gives you more choice and therefore more freedom and peace. You don’t have to make more, you need to live below your means. We know this truth unconsciously, but we also need to live it.
23. Keep what works well and eliminate the mediocre
When it comes to skincare, clothing, tools and other items, be honest, invest in the best you can afford and let go of the rest. Quality over quantity – put it into daily practice.
24. Regular solitude
In episode #91 – The Power of Solitude
25. Streamline incoming information sources
Edit the podcasts you have subscribed to so you can find the ones you want to listen to each time a new one is published, be honest about the news that is informative and helpful and inspiring, similarly the blogs and online sources if you have signed up for their newsletters, do you read it when it arrives or does it immediately get deleted or passed over?. What television programs and streaming services do you actually watch?
26. Identify false needs
The Simplicable blog aptly defines a false need as “a theory that societies create to keep a population in a state of toil, distraction and complacency. [False needs] are typically abstractions that are built on top of real human needs and sold with media and groupthink.” Examples of false needs – attaining a certain social status, acquiring certain material items – as small as a certain pair of glasses, to something as large as a house; competition and the need to ‘beat’ someone in order to feel what you have gained is of value; recognition and rewards.
Understanding to the core what false needs are is not easy, and requires each of us to be excruciatingly honest about what we actually need. I have been thinking about this idea quite a bit lately, and come to discovering some liberating ahas. I have a feeling you will as well.
27. Celebrate rather than compete with others regarding life’s journey
A secure individual — secure in their life journey, comfortable with the uncertainties of life, confident they will be able to handle what comes their way as they trust themselves — instinctively celebrates rather than competes. Sometimes they may even be inspired by those they meet, but never jealous.
28. Figure out what causes you stress, thereby grabs your focus, time and energy
Be honest and then get serious about making permanent changes.
As the new year rolls around, sometimes money and weight can creep to the top of resolution lists we wish to change or improve. However, looking more closely, what are we doing in our lives that cause these two areas to be filled with stress? Sometimes it is what we are not doing – we’re not removing self-deflating influences, we are not diving into what brings us joy and buoys our love of life, we are buying our way to a happy life when the contentment we seek is within. So much can be avoided by going deeper, being honest with ourselves and making simple, small changes – additions or subtractions – to eliminate such stresses on either these two areas or others that may be causing you pain.
Simplifying, as shown in today’s list, is not as simple as rearranging our furniture, or editing our closets. If we choose to truly simplify, we need to be fully present and absolutely honest with ourselves and how and why we live as we do. Sometimes we may want to seek out the guidance of a counselor to answer help us answer truthfully these questions for ourselves, but largely we can do the work ourselves. We just need to remember to do the work because it does pay off wonderful dividends that will remain in our lives for lifetime.
Clearing the clutter, brightening our view, freshening the air to welcome the beauty that our lives have the potential to reveal to us. Yep, simplifying our lives is most definitely worth it. 🙂
Similar posts/episodes from the Archives you might enjoy:
10 Life Choices to Simplify & Welcome a Calm & Contented Everyday Life, episode #290
Why Not . . . Simplify? 4 Reasons It’s Not As Easy As It Sounds, But Absolutely Worth It
Why Not . . . Simplify Your Choices? episode #62
How to Welcome Simplicity into your Life: Live Differently for One Month, episode #224
Petit Plaisir
—Blood On The Vine, French mystery series on MHz
https://youtu.be/GRrqrT44psg
“Discontent is the first necessity of progress.” – Thomas Edison
True contentment runs like a river feeding our everyday lives with constant inner peace.
Whether the weather for the day is a turbulent snow storm or a sunny Blue Bird day as we call them in Bend, the river of True Contentment continues to run so long as we feed it with conscious awareness and staying fully present much like a healthy snowpack which keeps the river flowing throughout the entire year.
To reach the river of True Contentment we have to create the map for ourselves, not find the map which already exists because it doesn’t. It doesn’t exist in a bookstore, a welcome vestibule at the beginning of your journey, no. And it is even more interesting to note, the map to true contentment is not an entire life-long journey. Rather, it is a map which materializes as we each navigate forward, choosing to learn and hone skills along the way, asking the scary questions our lives present and trust ourselves walk forward alone.
Undoubtedly, you will travel with people at times, meet people and moments along the way who will point you in the right direction, but your journey is your own and you are your best company should you choose to understand and get to know who you fully are.
In the striding forward, discontentment is often the North Star if you will. How so? What we don’t know is what we need to explore, to understand about ourselves, the world, the moment, and the knowledge we acquire will open the doors our life wants us to travel through to discover a life of true contentment.
“My flaws are my doorway to self-understanding and my way of understanding the flaws and fears of others.” —David Whyte
As I was listening to a recent audio episode by Marie Forleo, she shared Edison’s quote at the top of today’s post/episode, and such a simple statement clarified immediately a truth in my own life journey – so much of where and how I find myself in my life today is largely if not soley due to my discontent followed by my exploration to better understand, to improve, to change, or to make sense of something which presented itself as an obstacle to self-growth, inner peace and ultimately true contentment.
It is easier to see in hindsight what was happening for example when I started blogging in 2009 with no idea what blogging really was – I was searching because the current path (teaching alone) brought discontent. When I chose not to pursue a college athletic scholarship and instead move away from organized sports – I was searching because the current way of traveling (known largely, if not only as being an athlete) brought discontent. The list goes on.
However, the key to acquiring the gift of true contentment is a choice you make. A choice to be courageous.
“What is the courageous conversation I am not having? Out of the conversation will come as much action as I want, but the action will be simpler, clearer, more central to what I want than a stressed reaction that exhausts me for the real encounters I desire.” —David Whyte
Such a choice to be courageous means stepping outside of your comfort zone. Stepping away from the mind-numbing busy mentality that blinded you and exhausted you from having the ability to truly understand or see what is missing, what you are longing for.
Clarity can only be fully acquired when we calm our mind, calm our days, calm our lives. The progression as Andy Puddicombe shares begins with Calm —-(moving next to . . . ) Clarity —-(moving next to . . . ) Contentment —– which then enables us to be readily Compassionate to both ourselves as well as others and the entire world as we move through and with it and them each day. But it is in this order we must travel. We cannot wish to be content if we do not fully know the life that is ours to live. A life that is waiting for us to be courageous enough to step forward with Commitment as Marie Forleo teaches. Commitment reveals itself through the consistent actions we take, not the thoughts we have or the promises we make.
But let’s get back to courage for a moment. Consider this quote from David Whyte from his book The Three Marriages: Reimagining Work, Self and Relationship (2009) . . .
“Everything in the world is constantly coming to our door with clues as to how we belong. We only have to follow those clues and we will find our way home . . . in our search for the self, life will provide all the opportunity in good time to temper and make wise our original fire.” —David Whyte
In other words, wherever you find yourself, whether it is a wanted or unwanted situation, whether it makes sense immediately or takes time to explore to understand the deeper meaning, our lives are leading us and welcoming us, asking us to pay attention. One more quote from David Whyte . . .
The key to our true contentment, our calling, our purpose, whatever you want to call it “is always right under our noses. It is so much under our noses, in fact, that in the end we are always told we are the key, we each of us, as a foundational dynamic of life, have to find all the ways to fit in the lock. We are the ones who turn in the door and open it. We have to look for the key by looking at the way we are made to open the great conversations of life. What am I naturally drawn to? How am I made for the world? What is my essential nature?”
Now you might be saying – I cannot see it. I cannot see what is supposedly right under my nose. I have so much discontent in my life that it aches and feels immobilizing. First, take a deep breath.
*deeeeeeeeep breath*
Congratulate yourself for your awareness. Your journey toward reaching true contentment has already begun. You have already put one foot in front of the other. Celebrate this commencement of curiosity because that it was it is. Your curiosity becomes your guide. Essentially, you are your own guide which means you will never be abandoned. You will always have yourself, and yourself wants to explore further the life it has the opportunity to live and the gifts it uniquely has to offer the world.
~Explore more about the benefits of self-awareness here in episode #143.
Let’s take a look at more wisdom from David Whyte. This time about not knowing . . .
“Not knowing what to do, we start to pay real attention. Just as people lost in the wilderness, on a cliff face or in a blizzard pay attention with a kind of acuity that they would not have if they thought they knew where they were. Why? Because for those who are really lost, their life depends on paying real attention. If you think you know where you are, you stop looking.”
I think it is important to differentiate between searching & learning and constant self-improvement. We provide no more peace to ourselves if we are constantly living in the future, imagining ourselves as better and never appreciating where we are.
The hamster wheel of self-improvement ironically takes us away from ourselves by taking us nowhere because it doesn’t require that we find peace within. I am guilty of stepping on this wheel as well, so I speak from my own experience of constantly not allowing myself to find peace in who I am today, savoring the moment and enjoying my everydays.
I am grateful that I am no longer on that hamster wheel, and TSLL blog over the past ten years since its inception holds at its core the truth that it is our everydays, when viewing and observing and savoring the goodness and beauty that is all around us, we elevate our days and thereby deepen our contentment. The deepening occurs because we are present.
If you are a long-time reader/listener of the blog/podcast, you know being present, elevating our everydays does not mean we can’t grow. In fact, it is because we are more present in our daily lives that we know growth is possible. Both ideas can share the same space but it must be intentional and consciously done.
The fault of the hamster wheel approach, of endlessly pulling off the shelves the next self-improvement book is that we are unconsciously not acknowledging the good that already exists. When we actively and regularly in our everyday lives live in acknowledgement that goodness already exists within us and the world, that is when calm can find us. This takes us back to the progression shared earlier. We must first find calm before we can gain clarity, and it is with these two arrivals that contentment, true contentment, can be experienced.
However if you are still not convinced in this paradox that discontent is the path to true contentment, consider this simple, yet true axiom, “If you fight for your limitations you get to keep them …”. Yes, from a movie (The Internship), and from the character played by Vince Vaughn, but think about it for a moment: What we focus on receives our energy. If we focus all of our determined thought (which is energy, which is finite), we narrow our focus to proving ourselves right, unconsciously or consciously. We cannot expend energy we do not have, so why not focus on the life you want, rather than the life you feel stuck in?
The truth is, you’re not stuck. I don’t want to ignore that the world is full of strife, loss, pain, injustice, inequality, because we know that it is, but a wound, a pain, discontent reveals itself seeking to be healed, not ignored. Not accepted as how it has to be.
The journey to and experiencing fully each day true contentment asks each of us to be open-minded, fully present and willing to trust our curiosity. One more time to David Whyte . . .
“Being smitten by a path, a direction, an intuited possibility, no matter the territory it crosses, we can feel in youth at any threshold, as if life has found us at last. Beginning a courtship with a work, like beginning a courtship with a love, demands a fierce attention to understand what it is we belong to in the world. But to start the difficult path to what we want, we also have to be serious about what we want.”
Pursuing our curiosity is a practice is faith. Not necessarily faith in the religious sense (although whether you believe in a particular religion, the universe, or whatever you might call the higher, wiser power in your life, each can certainly play a helpful role), but an understanding that tomorrow is unknown, and the outcome of your pursuit toward true contentment is not something you can predict, and especially not in detail. However, it is the trusting in your curiosity that will bring you the peace you seek, the calm you need to acquire the clarity and lead you to true contentment. Because rather than needing a certain outcome to find true contentment, what we each need is fulfillment, a feeling of contributing positively to the larger world in a way only we can, and when we find this truth, our everydays are flooded in the best sense with true contentment.
Let me leave you with this final thought . . .
Petit Plaisir
—The Queen’s Gambit, Netflix (limited series, 7 episodes)
~based on the novel published in 1983 by Walter Tevis, The Queen’s Gambit
Starring Anya Taylor-Joy
https://youtu.be/CDrieqwSdgI
~The Simple Sophisticate, episode #295
~Subscribe to The Simple Sophisticate: iTunes | Stitcher | iHeartRadio | YouTube | Spotify
~Note: Some links shared today are affiliates in which upon purchase TSLL receives a small commission. Everything shared on TSLL blog is shared because I recommend it wholeheartedly.
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